Christmas TV: The Wheel, EastEnders, Call The Midwife, Strictly Come Dancing, Mrs Brown’s Boys, When Harry Met Sally, a vintage sitcom – all on BBC One on Christmas Day. Christmas Day 2022.
Oh, they’re also on this year.
And on Boxing Day, The Great Escape gets another airing.
The picture on ITV ain’t much different: more Coronation Street, Emmerdale, The Chase, This Morning and The Chase.
Just another day on the third channel.
Naturally, the comments online are disparaging.
Reindeer effluent has been my favourite criticism, and the person who made it is right. Every year it seems there are fewer and fewer programmes to highlight in the Christmas Radio Times (other listings magazines are available, considerably cheaper than its current price of £5.50 for a regular issue). And with streaming services such as Netflix snapping at the heels of terrestrial broadcasters, it seems the channels have just rolled over and given up.
If there is one thing that The Celebrity Traitors should have taught the powers-that-be in BBC Towers (sadly no longer Television Centre) and ITV Towers (sadly, no longer from the north or from the South Bank) it is people will watch terrestrial television if you give them a reason to do so.
Serving up the same thin gruel and hoping they will get away with it won’t work.
That game is up.
It was up several years ago.
The BBC has fallen into a pattern for its Christmas Day that sees the same type of programme go into the same type of slot: family stuff straight after the King’s speech, Strictly and some filler, Doctor Who if they have it, a sitcom, Call The Midwife, EastEnders, Mrs Brown’s Boys, some sitcom repeat and a late-night film.
Job done, the schedulers can go off to the Christmas party.
Thanks to the success of the 1986 EastEnders Christmas double bill, soaps have been seen to be an essential part of the festive schedule – they really shouldn’t. This was the first big blockbuster storyline: the one where Den gave Angie her divorce papers. However, contrary to urban myth, it was not seen by 30 million people on Christmas Day. That total comes by combining this screening with the omnibus edition on the following Sunday.
Call The Midwife arrived on UK screens back in 2012. An instant hit, it was given a Christmas special that year, and ever since it has been rigidly stuck at around 8pm on the big day. It’s a great programme that deserves its reputation, but it alienates people who don’t want to watch babies being born. Ironic for a day when we celebrate a baby’s birth.
This year, it not only takes up prime time on Christmas Day, but Boxing Day too. A double whammy for people who don’t want to watch babies being born. Is there a party at King Herod’s house?
Mrs Brown’s Boys has been divisive pretty much since it first aired. Originally a monster hit, the novelty wore off, and now each special episode is seen as the law of diminishing returns. It is something of a relief that the show’s creator, Brendan O’Carroll, has been given an opportunity to showcase a new one-off sitcom, Shedites.
It really isn’t a case of the memory cheating.
Not only do we have access to the Christmas schedules from years gone by, we also get annual repeats of Morecambe and Wise, and Dad’s Army, showing us exactly how it was done. You can bet that UK Gold – or whatever it’s called this week – will be screening an Only Fools and Horses marathon, while BBC Four is screening some blasts from the past as well: Larry Grayson’s Generation Game from 1979 makes an appearance, as does The Paul Daniels Magic Show. I’m definitely setting the video for that – the man was a genius showman and generous with his guests. Well worth seeking out.
When you can see how it was done and look at what we’re getting … no wonder people complain.
There are alternatives. We need to see a rehabilitation of variety back, giving audiences to discover a 21st century Dave Allen, Jasper Carrot, Morecambe & Wise, and David Nixon. We need to see new studio-based sitcoms and sketch shows such as Only Fools and Horses, Three of a Kind, and The Two Ronnies. And we should have a way of celebrating music just as we once had Gary Willmot’s Showstoppers, plus series from the likes of Lulu and Cliff Richard.
A digital set, as seen on shows like Penn & Teller, can create backdrops that will work convincingly enough without breaking the bank. Television was initially like a theatre in the home, and we need to bring that mentality for some of the cheap and cheerful shows that need to be made. I call it the Ally Pally Mentality: the show must go on the airwaves even if it’s a bit rough around the edges.
And we need to stop shying away from half-hour low-stakes game shows where the winner could go home with a holiday or a hamper. Cosy, fun to watch, and with quick-fire questions and minimal chat, several episodes were banged out quickly in the studios so a whole half-year’s worth of shows could be made in a week.
What could Christmas Day on BBC One look like this year?
With this in mind, here is how I would schedule BBC One on Christmas Day based on the shows Auntie has announced for this year. It does include some programmes already scheduled for Christmas Day. The Wheel, for example, is there as my scheduling instinct would be to put Gladiators on at teatime on Boxing Day.
Addding in Would I Lie To You? and the comedy drama Stuffed means there are two additional chances to have a laugh, rather than wallowing in misery thanks to Albert Square … which you’ll notice is missing completely.
Strictly is in at the teatime slot partly because it is one of Auntie’s biggest shows, and partly because it’s something that can be dipped in and out of quite easily.
The risk is whether it’s right to start a 60-minute drama at 9.45pm, when the last of the sherry is taking effect. At the same time, Beyond Paradise could be a reasonable nightcap.
What would you do?
- 3pm The King
- 3.10pm Puss In Boots: The Last Wish
- 4.40pm The Scarecrow’s Wedding
- 5.10pm Shaun The Sheep: Fleece Navidad
- 5.20pm News
- 5.30pm Strictly Come Dancing
- 6.45pm The Wheel
- 7.45pm Would I Lie To You?
- 8.15pm Stuffed (the comedy drama starring Guz Khan and not a 21st century remake of the ITV Night Network filler Get Stuffed)
- 9.15pm Amandaland
- 9.45pm Beyond Paradise
- 10.45pm Late news
- 10.55pm On Christmas Night
- 11pm Late film
What if there was a radical rethink?
Auntie, like ITV, needs to find some new talent and formats. That means searching for the stars of tomorrow, while nurturing the stars it already has. For example, could Sarah Milligan produce a Dave Allen-type show mixing her observations of modern life with some appropriate sketches? Could Blue Peter’s Joel Mawhinney have a showcase for his magical talents? Are there any TikTokkers with the comedy chops to knock together a sketch show? Could any local radio presenters be given a gig presenting the new Going For Gold? And why is Greg Scott not hosting a revival of Turnabout?
I realise it’s not as easy as plucking some names out of a hat, but Auntie needs to try and not be afraid of trying on a budget. Forget CGI, forget slick sets: let audiences focus on the performances and make the writing unmissable.
Auntie also needs to embrace the art of making pre-watershed shows again. Everything big seems to be aimed at the post-9pm slot. I’m currently watching Return of the Saint on ITVX, and enjoying its very PG-natured violence. We are really missing these types of programmes – ones that the whole family can watch. Aside from Doctor Who, it’s hard to think of a show that ticks this box now.
Doctor Who shares one trait with Celebrity Traitors: we came back because of the delicious cliffhangers. Don’t forget the power of not knowing what happens next. That’s a reason not to upload the whole series straight to iPlayer ahead of initial broadcast.
So with this in mind, a very ropey, very shaky, very off-the-cuff suggested Christmas Day schedule that eschews the EastEnders/Call The Midwife/Mrs Brown’s Boys and aims to give it a bit of a freshen up. But it’s far from perfect, and no doubt you will have better ideas.
- 3pm The King
- 3.10pm CBBC-style family-friendly drama or Basil Brush-type zoo format show
- 4pm Shaun The Sheep
- 4.10pm Circus Showcase: Acrobatics, stunts and comedy
- 4.50pm A family game show along the lines of Generation Game
- 5.30pm News
- 5.40pm Blue Peter’s Joel Mawhinney magic special
- 6.10pm Sketch show of some description
- 6.40pm Strictly Come Dancing
- 8pm Would I Lie To You?
- 8.30pm Death In Paradise
- 10pm Amandaland
- 10.30pm News
- 10.40pm On Christmas Night
- 10.45pm Late-night comedian such as Sarah Millican
- 11.15pm Film
I’m sure there are better ideas out there that are possible on the BBC’s licence fee income. But we’ll never know unless they try.
And as for ITV?
Well, they are wasting Stephen Mulhern’s talents. I’ve seen him at Butlins, and frankly, his magical abilities are … magical. He is capable of so much more than game shows.
- 3pm The King
- 3.10pm Capital Jingle Bell Ball
- 4.40pm News
- 4.50pm Bullseye
- 5.45pm The Masked Singer
- 7pm Stephen Mulhern’s Magical Hour
- 8pm You Bet Christmas Special
- 9pm Film
- 11pm News
- 11.10pm Film